Now, from what my site has, it would appear to a certain extent that all I think about is how much I hate school and how much I miss women.  Now to assume this, you would be 50% correct.

A good chunk of the other time is spent thinking about either really stupid shit, or perhaps something more interesting.

While peering at all the scars on my back and my arms (very small ones... every little cut or scrape or stray zit turns into a scar on me), I realized that throughout the course of my life, I've been hurt a lot.  Now, this is why I called this emo science haha.  I'm not talking about emotional hurt (for now), but rather physical pain.  All these small amounts of pain, conducted through nerves depolarizing membranes, chaining to voltage gated channels and through neurotransmitters release and the like, probably adds up eventually to a friggin' shit load of pain.

Well, nerves work through depolarization of membranes by allowing sodium to flow in freely when the impulse begins (much longer explanation required, but that's the basic of it).  Moving ions of course create a current, etc etc.   Re-establishment of the concentration gradient has to be done by the sodium/potassium pump (aka Na+/K+ ATPase, or NKA for short).

Apparently, 10% of all the energy you use in your body drives these pumps... in just your brain.  Not even counting your nerves or your muscles or all the other membranes that act through depolarization and the like.  Just your brain's NKA's use 10% of ALL the energy you use.

So it makes me wonder... (and here comes the really emo thought, although I'd like to believe it to be a slightly profound question) how much energy (both literal and non-literal senses) have I used just hurting?

I mean, all those impulses... hell, you burn about 100 more kcals per hour if you do intense thinking (according to some short thing I read).  that's just your brain here...

So in thinking all this... in feeling pain or pleasure or the texture of a car seat or tasting or smelling... all these neuronal impulses... how much of myself have I spent hurting?

(more profound "emo-ness" ahead) and if thought expels energy... how much energy have I wasted feeling sad or hurt... hurting in that sense?  Thought requires energy, thinking about how much I miss the feel of a woman's skin... it takes energy, physically existent energy.

I mean, depression itself leads to all sorts of metabolic madness in your body (although I refuse to say that I am clinically depressed or to go to check for a diagnosis).  But perhaps the time wasted pondering your faults and your mistakes and your anger and your sadness...  it literally takes the life out of you.

Maybe that's why when people are happier they tend to gain some weight (although this isn't ALWAYS the case... some gain when they're sad... or they just constantly gain... o.O).  And perhaps that's why the happier moments always seem so much shorter... because we're thinking less, and our energy goes towards something better... perhaps that's why people who exercise have less depression and the like.  Their energy goes towards running or lifting, so their brain downregulates the sad thinking...

something...

Thoughts like this... lead nowhere, but I'm always oddly entertained and very pensive about things like this.

Picture's up

enjoy.

would write a post and go random commenting people's entries, but I have an exam tomorrow.  Maybe later, who knows.

"Do I have to smile like it's nothing?"

it's how I feel a lot of the time.  People get nervous when you're not happy.

Of course, I don't really feel all that happy these days...  Happiness and I have been in a somewhat strained relationship since we met so many years ago.

Rather, I consider my day to day living simply as tolerance.

But yes, the only people who really know how I feel so distraught are probably my brother, my life-long friend Charlene, and my old group of friends from undergrad.

Everyone else just figures I'm okay, since the only things they see me do is play games or sleep in class.

But it's 5 in the morning and I have class in 3 hours meaning I'll probably have to get up in 2.

I have an exam Friday, and I forgot to turn in an assignment yesterday because I stayed up all night screwing around online and studying a bit for the exam I had today (which I got a 78 on).

All the while, I stay up... and I don't study ahead...

why?  I'm not sure.

But I've spent so much time alone in my own head, with my interactions with people limited to casual formalities and school-related business, that it's getting pretty cumbersome.

I've never been so tired, I've never wanted more to just get away from all my responsibilities (that I've unproductively just allowed to build and haunt me), and I've never felt so alone.

The loneliest you ever seem to feel is being surrounded by people you don't even really know...

and the deepest thing in my chest... the greatest feeling of longing is just to be held for a while.

and it's times like these that I miss sleeping with someone in my arms.